Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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