I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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