Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
