Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
