In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
