those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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