I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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