happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
