Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
