I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
