It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
