I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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