My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
