I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
