if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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