First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
