last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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