oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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