it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
