I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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