i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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