i wish starbucks made bloody marys
even my farts smell like vagina
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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