she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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