Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
