Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
