My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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