No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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