I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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