I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
