I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
