last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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