I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
