I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
