You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Are my feet made of real feet?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Randomize
