I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
