I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
