I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
