everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
