i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
