I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
