I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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