On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
