how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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