No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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