girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
