I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
