5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
