Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
