put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
