Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
